Advice Lifestyle

The truth behind the windshield: how your car reflects on you

Written by Frank Kremer

The things we own act to project our personalities to the world. Sometimes, especially with our cars, we think we’re telling the world how cool and great we are, but really we are sadly mistaken. Here’s what these popular cars are really telling the world about their owners.

Porsche Cayenne

This botched attempt at balancing the style of a sleeker Porsche and the practicality of a four door saloon tells the world two things; that when you go shopping, 9 times out of 10, you’ll ask to see the manager, and that you send your kids to private school.

This is the car you use to pick up Ophelia and Hugo after a hard day of lacrosse, Shakespeare recitals and Latin spelling tests. They’re probably in the back right now, pulling faces at passersby, emboldened by the tinted windows and their own overwhelming sense of privilege.

Seat Ibiza

A popular first car, especially with an unnecessarily loud exhaust, a ‘No Fear’ window sticker, and custom license plate which includes some variation of ‘LAD’ on it. What does all this say about you? Well, it says you’re probably a lad. But keep up with the times; that’s not a good thing. You’re better off toning it down, taking off the vinyls and cutting back on your laddish ways. (Just to be clear—please cut them back to zero.)

BMW 7 Series

Ever been to a city pub on a Friday afternoon and came across a group of twenty/thirty-something men in suits but with the jackets off because they’re ‘just grabbing a pint’ together during office hours, thus getting paid well above the average wage to do nothing but watch the match and hone their ‘banter’ chops? Of course you have, and if you drive a BMW 7 Series, you’re probably one of them. You’re probably all of them!

Just look around at how similar you all are to each other. You see Greg from accounting? You could switch places with him right now and no one would bat an eyelid. You’d certainly be safe driving his car back to his house because he, like you, owns a BMW 7 Series.

VW Microbus

You might think owning a VW Microbus tells people you are a free spirit, travelling from town to town, maybe even solving mysteries. But you’re probably more concerned with being seen as a free spirit than with actually being one. After all, there’s not much that’s ‘free’ about a car with a laundry list of common running problems. Haven’t you ever seen ‘Little Miss Sunshine’?

And anyway, what is a free spirit? Someone who sometimes turns the wifi off on their phone for an hour, only to spend the next four days bragging about it on social media?




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Frank Kremer

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