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Pixar Bans Small Studio’s Film For Being “Too Good”

Written by Owen Tickle
Cal

Caldera. The critically acclaimed film set to be removed from the internet within a year. (Kid Cloudkicker/FilmFlam)

LOS ANGELES ― Pixar Studios, the minds which brought us Toy Story, Finding Nemo and the upcoming Finding Dory, has threatened not to release any of its highly profitable animated films to any theaters who work with Orc*** Animation (we’re not allowed to say their name as part of an agreement), the boutique animation studio that made Caldera, a critically acclaimed film that has gained millions of fans via YouTube and Vimeo, and whose popularity expands every day.



“Orc***’s showing you don’t need a hundred-and-fifty million dollar budget to make an exceptional film,” said Leon Longlove, a Caldera fan. “I mean Caldera is f*cking epic. And it’s only like what, eleven minutes? And free! Phsst! Pixar’s overcharging us man. We’re buying their Ferraris is what we’re doing. Not their art. Those lamp logoed bastards! To the moon with em!”

The ban has also spread to YouTube and Vimeo, who both agreed to remove Caldera from their sites no longer than a year from now. Speculation is that they were both paid exorbitant amounts for their generosity.

“It’s sad,” said Dill Picklefoot. An animation student at Hampshire College. “Pixar’s trying to choke them out. Word is Catmull said the film’s just too good. Made him cry like Lance Bass at a Barbara Streisand concert and it doesn’t even have dialog in it. I downloaded a copy already before it vanishes. And I tattooed the main character on my forearm as a reminder of what could have been.”



Pixar has said that they will consider lifting the ban only if Caldera receives 4 million views via news/media outlets posting this story without mentioning Orc*** Animation studio’s full name. (Us being one of the few sites who agreed to do so.) They have also (allegedly) been egging Orc*** Animation’s parking lot with Inside Out themed eggs wrapped in rude fortune leaflets.

“This one says you better not hire Amy Schumer either!” said Allan Stefano, an Orc*** Animation employee. “Guess they know we were in talks with her to spread the word.

At the time of this article’s publishing, Caldera was at 1.6 million views via are personal tracker. So help us save the film by watching it with friends here. (Not YouTube or elsewhere.) Tell everyone; we need your help.

Thank you so much and please enjoy.



About the author

Owen Tickle

Owen Tickle is a former G.Q., Men's Fitness columnist and the winner of two Peabody awards. He earned his Masters Degree in Journalism from USC and describes his style as a ‘clean approach to commentary.’ “Chaos Well Presented.”

From Washington to Watts, he's there to ask the tough questions which make News Examiner the #1 news source in America, and is known as The Blue Collar Brawler for the way he speaks up for the working class.

Where there’s a story, there’s Owen. And as always, he’ll have the truth at heart.

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