Trump Incensed by National Parks Service’s Plan To Add Barack Obama’s Face To Mount Rushmore

Mount Rushmore
Written by Sav Peterson

Washington, D.C. (AP) — In a move the Trump administration calls, “just another example of American carnage,” the National Parks Service admitted today in a press conference they have plans to add the face of former President Barack Obama to the Mount Rushmore National Monument.

President Trump found out about the plan three days ago when an aide was accidentally CC’ed on an NPS email. In a late-night press conference held yesterday, Trump hammered the NPS.

“This is nothing short of treason,” Trump said, slamming his fist against the podium. “And where did they get these workers? Mexico? Iraq? I’ll be damned if the NPS lets rapists and criminals into our country to deface one of our nation’s iconic landmarks.”

Henry Murphy, a spokesman from the NPS, met with reporters this morning in the wake of Trump’s scathing criticism. Murphy said the organization’s leaders have been planning to add Obama’s face for more than six months.

The new construction is classified as a “progressive renovation” of the chunk of rock next to the bust of Abraham Lincoln. It will begin next week, Murphy said.

“We’re hoping to have the project completed by the summer of 2018, just in time for President Trump’s impeachment,” Murphy said during the press conference. “Everything is set. The workers are hired, sketches are done and we’re ready to launch the project. I don’t care what the Trump administration says; we’ve got funding and we’re moving forward.”

When asked how the NPS would pay for the project, Murphy danced around an answer. In a follow-up question, Murphy admitted that the parks service backdoored money from contributions to the Environmental Protection Agency’s global-warming research fund.

“There’s a loophole in legislation that allows the EPA to channel research funds to ’causes deemed necessary’ without getting congressional approval,” Murphy said. “What we’ve done is fully legal and necessary.”

Murphy went on to say the NPS channeled the money to an unnamed investor who, according to sources, is the same investor who paid for protesters to block the construction of the Dakota Pipeline project.

That investor provided some 300 workers for the Mount Rushmore project; all off the books, according to the NPS. A source close to one of the project’s organizers said all but five of the workers double as pipeline protesters.

“Call it what you want, but we felt like this was the right thing to do,” Murphy said. “Barack’s face was slim enough, our artists told us, to squeeze it in right next to Lincoln.”

The NPS said they are prepared to launch a series of tweets about the matter in the next few days.

Hector Guthrie, one of the artists involved in the project, said he was proud of the work but that there was a lot of battling back and forth about what should and shouldn’t be added to the sculpture.

“A few people in the group were worried about the birther arguments that inevitably would come up once the project is done,” Guthrie said. “So, we decided to etch Obama’s birth certificate across his forehead in both English and Arabic. The letters would be really small, though, so you wouldn’t be able to see them unless you were up close.”

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Sav Peterson

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