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Bayer Pharmaceuticals To Produce Heroin Again

Written by Owen Tickle

Bayer Heroin bottle, circa 1898. (Dalvin Landsberry/GlamShot)

LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY: Bayer AG, the company best known for making human and veterinary pharmaceuticals, is set to reproduce and market its 1898 Heroin cough suppressant, under the supervision of the FDA.

Having created, trademarked, and owned the Heroin name since 1898 (its actual chemical name being diamorphine or diacetylmorphine), Bayer decided to utilize its idle trademarks and re-brand Heroin as Tough Syrup: a cough suppressant for adults who find normal cough syrup too weak. The new brand will have a red propeller plane logo against a white background on the front label as its identifier.

“It’s a debacle, this thing,” said Deborah Leon, a FDA employee who is not happy about Heroin’s legal resurgence. “We’re going to have teens sucking d*ck for cough syrup out here. Can you imagine that? A bunch of gaunt-faced, drooling, sunken eyed zombies staggering behind you trying to fold your junk up in their mouths for a fix? Instead of The Walking Dead it’ll be The Walking Head, cause that’s what they’ll be trying to give you. Only person excited about this is Tommy Lee. He’ll stick his wiffle bat and balls in anything. Word is he even banged a KitchenAid blender once, and had the nerve not to call it back afterwards! The nerve of some people!”

Bayer has assured naysayers that there is nothing to worry about, and that the drug will be available by prescription only. “Unless of course Bill Cosby gets his hands on some.” said Hannibal Buress, the infamous Cosby whistle blower. “Then hide your kids, hide your wives, and hide your husbands too cause he’s raping everybody out here!”

There is no word yet when Tough Syrup will hit shelves, but speculation is we’ll know when Los Angeles starts to look like Detroit (or Los Angeles, depending on what part you visit), or when the lines outside of CVS start to look like a Rihanna concert.

All we can say on this site is that if you think your cough is bad enough to find out if you have a gag reflect or not, don’t do it. If so, though, then breathe through your nose, my friend, and inhale on the uptakes.

About the author

Owen Tickle

Owen Tickle is a former G.Q., Men's Fitness columnist and the winner of two Peabody awards. He earned his Masters Degree in Journalism from USC and describes his style as a ‘clean approach to commentary.’ “Chaos Well Presented.”

From Washington to Watts, he's there to ask the tough questions which make News Examiner the #1 news source in America, and is known as The Blue Collar Brawler for the way he speaks up for the working class.

Where there’s a story, there’s Owen. And as always, he’ll have the truth at heart.

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