LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY: Bayer AG, the company best known for making human and veterinary pharmaceuticals, is set to reproduce and market its 1898 Heroin cough suppressant, under the supervision of the FDA.
Having created, trademarked, and owned the Heroin name since 1898 (its actual chemical name being diamorphine or diacetylmorphine), Bayer decided to utilize its idle trademarks and re-brand Heroin as Tough Syrup: a cough suppressant for adults who find normal cough syrup too weak. The new brand will have a red propeller plane logo against a white background on the front label as its identifier.
“It’s a debacle, this thing,” said Deborah Leon, a FDA employee who is not happy about Heroin’s legal resurgence. “We’re going to have teens sucking d*ck for cough syrup out here. Can you imagine that? A bunch of gaunt-faced, drooling, sunken eyed zombies staggering behind you trying to fold your junk up in their mouths for a fix? Instead of The Walking Dead it’ll be The Walking Head, cause that’s what they’ll be trying to give you. Only person excited about this is Tommy Lee. He’ll stick his wiffle bat and balls in anything. Word is he even banged a KitchenAid blender once, and had the nerve not to call it back afterwards! The nerve of some people!”
Bayer has assured naysayers that there is nothing to worry about, and that the drug will be available by prescription only. “Unless of course Bill Cosby gets his hands on some.” said Hannibal Buress, the infamous Cosby whistle blower. “Then hide your kids, hide your wives, and hide your husbands too cause he’s raping everybody out here!”
There is no word yet when Tough Syrup will hit shelves, but speculation is we’ll know when Los Angeles starts to look like Detroit (or Los Angeles, depending on what part you visit), or when the lines outside of CVS start to look like a Rihanna concert.
All we can say on this site is that if you think your cough is bad enough to find out if you have a gag reflect or not, don’t do it. If so, though, then breathe through your nose, my friend, and inhale on the uptakes.