Fake News Humor Satire

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Written by Ben Davis

MOUNT STERLING, KY—Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Held on a farm in the foothills of eastern Kentucky, the festival, which continues through Friday and features no live performances of any kind, reportedly offers “something for every type of music lover,” specifically a fenced-off, 300-acre pasture in which to consume a broad array of mind-altering substances.

“We thought it’d be awesome to host a festival that would attract people from all over the country who just want to kick back and ingest narcotics for 96 hours straight,” festival organizer Randy Felder said of the event that takes place on a barren expanse of land with no stages, sound equipment, lighting, art, or vendors. “Cavalcade is all about creating a venue where live music fans can come together, hang out, and do what they love most. Whether you want to toke up, huff, or take a few hits of E, we’ve got you covered.”

“And you couldn’t ask for a better spot,” Felder added. “I mean, it rained pretty hard yesterday, but people didn’t let it bring them down. A lot of them didn’t even seem to notice.”

“I always worry I’ll miss out on something at big festivals like this, because there’s never enough time to do all the drugs.”

Officials reported that while the festival grounds contain no tents or any other form of shelter against the elements, ticket holders nonetheless came out in droves to the vast, otherwise deserted meadow to enjoy a number of big-name drugs, including marijuana, cocaine, and heroin, as well as a wide variety of less well-known substances and up-and-coming hallucinogens such as salvia, ayahuasca, ketamine, and several dozen improvised inhalants.

While most attendees purchased all-inclusive four-day badges for $150, organizers told reporters they also sold $60 day passes to individuals whose schedules or budgets might not allow them to stay fucked up all weekend.

“The way I figure, you gotta stay all four days, especially if you’re dropping a bunch of acid,” said Adam Steely, 24, who road-tripped 14 hours to Cavalcade with several friends whose names and whereabouts he could not recall. “It’s totally worth the price of admission. Things were kind of slow when we first got here—mostly just weed and some people doing whip-its—but things really got cranking once the Molly hit. I heard they’ve got Oxy over by the south entrance, so I’m definitely gonna check that out later.”

“I always worry I’ll miss out on something at big festivals like this, because there’s never enough time to do all the drugs,” Steely continued. “I crashed early last night, and I’m still kicking myself for not being there when the nitrous tanks came out.”

According to Cavalcade organizers, with the support of corporate partners like Vitaminwater, Uber, and Belvedere Vodka, they’re able to offer a comprehensive festival experience, including a roped-off VIP section in the northwest corner of the field where festivalgoers who purchased $250 premium passes can sit in the shade if their heart rate gets too high or help themselves to complimentary vials of Narcan if they’re actively overdosing.

“Everyone says Flakka is going to be the highlight of the festival, so I’m getting pretty pumped for that,” said attendee Meghan Young, 26, standing among a large group of festivalgoers who were dancing, whooping, and bobbing their heads on the east side of the grounds. “Everything’s been great so far. I met these really chill guys from Austin, and we all just sat around and stared at this tree stump for, like, hours and hours. It was the most amazing experience. Plus, I’ve seen some really great musicians today.”

“I still can’t believe Lil Wayne is here,” she added. “He’s been at it for almost 12 hours straight.”

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Ben Davis

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