DeQuincy, LA — More controversial news is coming out of Louisiana, this time making it an actual crime to be gay. Last year saw the state approved an amendment banning gay marriage and now with this new law it makes being gay a felony. Voters approved the new law by a 61%-39% margin with all counties reporting, according to returns from the State Board of Elections.
“We can’t change the results of this vote, but we can determine what comes next,” said Jasmine Beach-Ferrara, director of Campaign for Southern Equality. “When kids across the state wake up, I want them to know that this story isn’t over. We will repeal this new law.”
At a press conference this morning Lonnie Childs, founder of the Christian anti-masturbation group STOP Masturbation NOW, said the state has already begun shipping some offenders of the new law out by train.
“If police catch you being gay, you will be rounded up, put on a train and sent to a camp where authorities will then ‘reform’ you accordingly.” Childs explains, “I have nothing against gay people. Trust me, this is what our loving god would want.”
Reporters asked the mascot for the organization, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is 36-year-old Paul Horner, if these anti-gay camps were similar to the ones used by the Nazis.
“No of course not, why would you say that? We’re just moving them all out to their own place so they can romp and play and do whatever it is that gay people do,” Horner said. “Look, I don’t have a problem with the homogays out there. You can be gay, just not in DeQuincy, because that’s totally gross.”
Police are going door to door this morning looking for any signs of gay activity.
“Whether it be a cocked wrist, a lisp or even a Cold Play album, we will find you,” said DeQuincy Police Chief Mike Davis told reporters. “If we see you being fruity or maybe skipping to the kitchen to make yourself a Cosmo, you will be arrested. We’re just trying to keep our children safe.”
“You can marry your cousin in Louisiana. You can legally have sex with animals in Louisiana. Seriously, bestiality is a-big-OK,” said Tom Downey, a previous resident of DeQuincy. “A cop could catch you humping a horse and instead of arresting you, he would probably want to join in. But two people in love are not allowed to be together because of the hate and ignorance of idiots who think about gay sex more than gay people think about gay sex, which according to the voting on this new law, make up 61% of Louisiana,” said Downey. “I’m moving to a different state.”
Penalties in Louisiana are strict says opponents of the new law. A first time offense for being gay carries a mandatory 30 days in jail. Repeat offenders, will see a much stricter sentence such as 60 days to a year or more.
To report any gay activity in DeQuincy, please contact the DeQuincy Gay Silent Witness Hotline at (785) 273-0325. There are various cash rewards depending on the information provided and as always, you can remain anonymous.