Lifestyle Religion

Mormon Church Urges Utah Gov. Limit Sales of Vaseline, Kleenex To Stop Masturbation

Vaseline and Kleenex banned by mormons
Written by Jimmy Rustling

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has declared war against masturbation, which they conclude is seriously harming the lives of young people. And they have decided to go after supplies that potential masturbators might need.

Bob Whitbread, LDS spokesperson, said the church is going to urge Utah Gov. Gary Herbert to impose limits on the sale of Vaseline and Kleenex.

“If a young man is buying large supplies of these items, it’s evident he has fallen prey to masturbation,” Whitbread said.

“The sin of masturbation occurs when a person stimulates his or her own sex organs for the purpose of sexual arousal. It is a perversion of the body’s passions. When we pervert these passions and intentionally use them for selfish, immoral purposes, we become carnal,” according to the church’s website.

Mormon-dominated Utah is known as one of the most conservative states in the union. Herbert recently signed a resolution labelling pornography a “public health crisis.” However, Utah is known to have the highest consumption of pornography in the country, according to a study by Harvard professor Benjamin Edelman.

By H. Peter Johnson

About the author

Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.


  • Are they going to limit the sale of carrots, corn on the cob, cucumbers, etc. to stop girls from masturbating also?

  • Insane but watch it happen. Fear. Fear. and more fear. It’s no wonder why Utah has the highest use of anti-depressants in the nation. This pornography epidemic is no secret to the members of the church and the anti-depressants usage (twice the rate of California and topping the nation overall) is an inside view to what is really going on. I believe more and more people inside the church are trying to wake up to the rhetoric and discrimination and control but numb themselves before eventually leaving a controlling lifestyle. Coming from one who knows the church – I left after 27 years. Best decision ever.

Leave a Comment