Paul Horner News

Paul Horner: Internet News Satirist And Writer

Paul Horner; artist, writer, internet satirist
Written by Jimmy Rustling

Wikipedia calls me an “Internet news satirist and writer”, and I like that, so that’s the reason for the title.

Snopes says, “Paul Horner, the prolific writer and ubiquitous satirical character who inserts his name into all his articles.”

The Washington Post calls Paul Horner, “The Internet’s most prolific hoax artist.”

The NY Post calls me an “online jokester”.

International Business Times: Paul Horner, the world’s biggest penis and the everyman of Internet hoax history.

Maxim also agrees that I have the biggest penis in the world.

I get this posted on my Facebook wall a lot:
Paul Horner wins the internet

The following is a personal journal of mine with articles that were written about me in the past 17 years. Feel free to read and enjoy! There’s a lot of stuff out there that I don’t know about or haven’t posted. If you know of anything good to add, please feel free to send me a link. Thanks! Also, when reading the following, I think it is important to keep an open mind and also understand that everything doesn’t have to be satire or like “The Onion“. I write political humor, comedy, hoaxes, real articles etc etc etc. I write stories with a purpose and things that I feel passionate about. I love you all.

Recent news:

  1. An article I wrote went viral about Michael Jordan threatening to move the Charlotte Hornets out of state if North Carolina did not revoke HB2
  2. I did an AMA on Reddit that was pretty fun yesterday.
  3. From a story I wrote recently, this article quotes me as the owner of the Phoenix Suns
  4. I wrote a story that put pressure on the NBA, to put pressure on North Carolina about their stupid HB2 law
  5. A Hoax News Story About The NBA Moving The 2017 Charlotte All-Star Game Fooled The Media
  6. Fake news story says NBA has given North Carolina an ultimatum over discriminatory LGBT law
  7. Great story about Donald Trump supporters and their beliefs that protesters are being paid money, talks about how awesome my story was too :)
  8. Donald Trump’s campaign manager and Ann Coulter tweeted a story I wrote about Trump protesters being paid $3,500 to protest at his rallies.
  9. Trump campaign manager Lewandowski falls for parody website
  10. Ann Coulter, Trump Campaign Manager Spread Hoax News Story
  11. Esquire Magazine liked my story about Scientology losing their tax-exempt status
  12. Snopes says Donald Trump did not tweet a dick pic… my article says he does. Who are you going to believe? Answer: Banana
  13. No, President Obama did not just sign an Executive Order appointing a Muslim to replace Antonin Scalia as Supreme Court Justice
  14. Doing local cool shit
  15. El Chapo Escape Hoax Gets Internet Buzzing
  16. Relax, El Chapo didn’t escape again
  17. SNOPES: A fake news article reported that Donald Trump had named Sheriff Joe Arpaio his running mate for the 2016 election.
  18. I convinced the internet that my hero, Bill Murray, is running for President
  19. INTERVIEW: Internet Hoaxes With A Purpose With Paul Horner
  20. I Started A Cause That Gives Out Socks To The Homeless Called ‘Sock It Forward’
  21. WWJD? Not tell an elementary school and its teacher to f*ck off and burn in Hell.
  22. SNOPES: Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin was not arrested for swimming naked at SeaWorld, because such a mascot does not exist.
  23. Was Fappy the Dolphin arrested for public masturbation?
  24. Breaking Bad season 6 hoax fooled NBC executive
  25. Google was fooled by a hoax announcing ‘Breaking Bad’ season 6
  26. ‘Breaking Bad’ Season 6: It Was All A Lie — Vince Gilligan Interview Was Fake
  27. NBC sends me a cease and desist letterFox sends me a cease and desist letter
  28. Maxim Magazine says Paul Horner has the biggest penis in the world
  29. What was fake on the Internet this week
  30. Yelp Hit By Hoax: Not Suing ‘South Park’ For $10 Million
  31. A small piece in Vice News about Yelp suing South Park
  32. No, Yelp Is Not Suing ‘South Park’ for $10 Million
  33. South Park Being Sued By Yelp Over ISIS Comparisons
  34. Notorious ‘cybersquatter’ advises brands: ‘know your target and adapt your approach’
  35. Is R.E.M. is suing Donald Trump & Ted Cruz over the unauthorized use of their song “It’s the End of the World”?
  36. Is Survivor suing Kim Davis and Mike Huckabee for $1.2million?
  37. Phoenix ‘News’ Prankster Breaks Hearts With Latest Scam
  38. 100+ people talking about my Donald Trump being the “Worst Person In The World” award story
  39. Politifact: Did a Vermont pastor get sentenced to prison for refusing to marry a gay couple?
  40. Was a Vermont pastor given a year in jail to refusing to wed two gay people?
  41. Snopes talks about News Examiner and Paul Horner
  42. Snopes: Pastor Jailed For Refusing To Marry Gay Couple
  44. Snopes: McRobots
  45. – Robots working at McDonald’s
  46. Snopes: I’ve Kept Them Busy
  47. VICE NEWS: Weaponized Islamic State Ebola, Obama’s Marijuana Auctions, and the Art of Fake News
  48. Is Banksy Actually Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin?
  49. GAWKER: Banksy Has Not Been Arrested, And His Name Isn’t Paul Horner
  50. The Washington Post: This is not an interview with Banksy
  51. No, There Isn’t a Banksy at The Lost Leaf in Phoenix
  52. The Daily Dot: No, A Teen Wasn’t Just Sentenced To 25 years In Prison For Swatting
  53. FOX NEWS: Why people keep sharing fake news stories thinking they are true
  54. The Dude Himself Fell for a Fake News Site’s Big Lebowski 2 Hoax
  55. VOCATIV: The Prankster who Faces Castration in Louisiana
  56. No, Jan Brewer Is Not Putting “Gay-To-Straight Programs” in Arizona Schools
  57. Suspension of Belief

The Elusive Graffiti Artist Banksy Knows Of Me:

My story:

The original story was posted to National Report and received over 10,000,000 views. It was deleted by the site’s owner, Allen Montgomery, but here is a screenshot:
Paul Horner is Banksy

Banksy Arrested and Identity Revealed:

Banksy Paints New Mural to Prove He’s Not in Jail

Paul Horner Banksy mugshot


Banksy proves arrest rumor wrong with new graffiti art – which is vandalized straight away

Paul Horner

From Wikipedia: For the past two years, Paul Horner has written for the website National Report with the Washington Post describing him as its “lead writer”. Horner uses his own name as a recurring character in all of his stories, including the actor behind “Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin“, a character created by Horner that is used as a running gag in many of his stories and currently has over 40,000 likes/followers. National Report has run multiple articles claiming Horner to be the street artist Banksy, and he has fielded numerous interviews from foreign journalists as a result. After writing a story about marrying his dog, Horner was invited onto a television show for a segment about “weird relationships”. The country of India has an arrest warrant out for Horner after a “rape festival” story that he wrote for the city of Assam.”

Residents of DeQuincy, Louisiana threatened to have him arrested as a result of numerous hoax articles he had written about the city, including stories about bath salts turning the residents into zombies and the city outlawing twerking.

For years Horner has regularly included the phone number of the Westboro Baptist Church in his articles, with one story referring to it as the number of the “24-hour National Muslim Appreciation Hotline”, stating “Anything to tie up their phone lines is a good thing.

Since Horner uses his name as a character in all of his articles, a fun Google search is “Paul Horner“.

Horner has been writing political satire, comedy and hoaxes seriously for the last 5 years, but has always been into some kind of shenanigans.

#1 search on Google for “Biggest Penis in the world”… so it must be true.

In December of 2014, Paul Horner resigned from National Report to start News Examiner.

Paul Horner: If it's on the internet it must be true
After I resigned from National Report around December of 2014 to start News Examiner, Allen Montgomery (the owner of National Report) immediately removed all the ads within my articles and replaced them with his own. He also replaced the name of the character “Paul Horner”, which was in all my stories, to “Dan Stevens”. He then deleted my pen name, Darius Rubics, as the author of my own stories and replaced them with “National Reporting Staff”. After complaining, he deleted ALL of my articles that I worked so hard on since I began working with National Report in early 2013. Seeing this, most of the authors were angry, as I was of course and contacted me offering condolences. After this he also fired some of his best writers because they were associating with me. That is actually where I got my video guy, Eric Foster, after Allen fired him. I told Allen I would never approach any of his writers with job offers, and I never did. Luckily I have all my work posted on Super Official News, so it is not lost, but it still hurts. Allen even deleted my Banksy story that had over 5 million Facebook shares and climbing :(

From Paul Horner’s Facebook page:

“Wikipedia says I’m an “internet news satirist and article writer for numerous online satirical news sites”. I love art, drawing and other creative things. I love my family and friends. I occasionally do stand-up comedy.”

Paul Horner On Television

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

FAPPY FUN FACT: Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin has over 47,000 likes/followers on Facebook and has been arrested four times for public masturbation and has been pardoned by the governor.

It’s all just a fun hobby, Michael Moore is making a movie about it (link)(link), and a great way to sell merch!

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW focus on educating children about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods ~ Paid for by the Monsanto Company

Phoenix, Arizona 12/27/14 – Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin (Paul Horner) doing standup comedy in downtown Phoenix, Arizona

A big thank you to the funny and talented Erick Biez for hosting and playing along perfectly considering this was the first attempt at this. You seriously can’t see anything out of this mask and you have to yell for people to hear you. Working on fixing that. Also, thank you so much Matt Storrs for filming! The video cuts off at the very end because the phone ran out of memory, but you’ll get the idea.

To get more people to my set I wrote a story about Bill Murray being there, and it packed the house:

Praise Fappy!

Paul Horner has a drink named after him because of his Banksy story and hoax. It’s their most popular drink.

One of the most popular drinks on Silver’s winter drink menu is the Paul Horner. The ingredient that makes this cocktail specifically unique is red bell pepper. Intrigued? Us too.

The Paul Horner drink
Because of my Banksy hoax story I wrote a couple months ago about him getting arrested and outed as Paul Horner, a fancy restaurant (like $200 steaks) that actually owns two original Banksy’s… named a drink called ‘The Paul Horner’. It’s their most popular drink – like a $50+ drink. And this place, it’s called ‘Silver’, is where the Winter Olympics were held, the Sundance film festival is etc. Millionaires bring in their own tequila to make my drink how they like it.
Silver FacebookThink about this…. ALL drinks start from somewhere. For example, that drink “Tom Collins”, that started from a real guy named “Tom Collins”, and now because of the popularity of my drink, a few other places are starting to serve it.

Look at the ingredients, so many and so elaborate. This is not a rum and coke ha. Makes me so happy and I want to drink it now! I was featured in Vice News, Banksy knows of me and my name, and now I have my own drink. I can die now.This is a review for my drink: This is the restaurant that started serving ‘The Paul Horner’. I spoke with them. They said it tastes like a bloody marry and a margarita kind of. They are sending me out a care package with bottles of tequila and all the 15 or so ingredients to make this thing. And this is out of UTAH! I love the idea of Mormons getting wasted off of me. Makes me so hard.If you never read my Banksy story that 8 billion people saw, here it is:
— at Utah Olympic Park.

I tend to use the name Tom Downey as a character in most of my stories. Not only is it a great name, he is a great friend of mine and enjoys my shenanigans. My name, ‘Paul Horner’, is in ALL of my stories. I began doing this when people would steal my work, which is fine, don’t care, zero percent, but they would not credit me. So this is a way for them to credit me without them knowing.

Eric Foster has done all my Entertainment Tonight style videos in the past, until they were all deleted by Allen Montgomery, owner of National Report.


Jerome Smith AKA Paul Horner, the man behind, sits down with Rob Redding for a one-on-one interview. You will not believe this!!!

Throughout the entire interview, I talk as an educated African American speaking to another educated African American. Very Surreal. I even spoke with this interesting man for over an hour after the interview was over.

FUN FACT: My friend Ivan calls in at the end and says the best line ever, “How would one go about talking to a black person?”

11/1/15 – is no longer with us due to some dick that hacked the site. Oh well.

Amazing Video Of The Interview:

A few of the websites that Paul Horner owns and runs:

Fun With DeQuincy, Louisiana

In the past three years, whenever I needed a crap town to base my story in, I’ve used the town of DeQuincy, Louisiana. My friend Brandon Adams said there is like 4,000 people that live there and all they do is drink Old Milwaukee’s Best and beat their wives. I only pick on them because, they threatened me first with castration.

It started from this ridiculous story, Gay Zombie Attack In Louisiana From Bath Salts Leaves 7 Dead, and after how serious they took it with going as far as sending me death threats, I had to continue my fun with DeQuincy.

With DeQuincy, I think it was my story about their town making Twerking illegal that was the final straw.

From ABC News:

This Huffington Post video actually has the mayor saying, “It’s all nothing but a bunch of hogwash.”

But they only let you watch the first 35 seconds and to see the rest where he actually says “hogwash”, you have to pay. I guess the The Huffington Post now has a paid section, those greedy bastards.

There are so many videos and stories about Twerking being banned and illegal in DeQuincy its ridiculous – Google that

This following one here is pretty good. But they leave out the part with the mayor saying “hogwash”. So disappoint. Though they do mention my friend Brandon Adams and a few other stories I’ve done about DeQuincy that are “hogwash”.

City In Louisiana Makes Discussing ‘The Color Of The Dress’ Illegal – Fines & 30 Days In Jail For Repeat Offenders

Small Town In Louisiana Bans Koreans
– Doesn’t like gays or minorities, so lets show the world! lol

City In Louisiana Makes Polygamy Legal
– That’s just funny because of how much small towns in Louisiana despise gay people in general

DeQuincy targeted by fake news site … again

An invite from the Mayor to visit the city of DeQuincy

Want more fun with DeQuincy? Google “DeQuincy Paul Horner“. That is a fun search  :)

Helping Rape Victims In India

‘The Organization of Indians Against Rape’ want to give me an award and plaque, I Paul Horner, because of work I did about a year ago in raising awareness about rape in India and what they claim to be over $200,000 USD that I helped raise to help the women of India.

Problem: I have hundreds if not thousands of death threats in India. There is a real warrant out for my arrest in the country and would be thrown in India jail immediately entering India air space.

So, to receive an award by mail, they said they need a mailing address. I looked them up, they’re legit, but it could be anyone just trying to get my address so they can pull an ISIS on me ha

India is a very respectful country and turning down an award would be very disrespectful. Not sure what to do…

Google “Assam Rape Festival” and you’ll see all the craziness from my article.

The UPDATE is at the bottom of that link and that is what they want to give me the award for. The top part is for shock value to get people to donate and is what got billions of views. The update below that is just what happened afterwards, that I don’t mind writing about, now that I feel somewhat safe, and don’t feel my head could be chopped off at any moment.

Fox Apologizes For Reporting ON AIR About A Muslim Museum Funded By Obama With His Own Money
(this was during that government shutdown last year): “We Made A Bad Mistake…Based On Poor Research”

Jay Leno Chides Fox For Running With “Totally Made Up Joke Story” – About The Muslim Museum Story

Jimmy Kimmel Uses Paul Horner Story To Lampoon Fox News – About The Muslim Museum Story

Paul Horner has the biggest penis in the world according to Google:

Trying to keep this somewhat dated and in order…  New McDonald’s In Phoenix Run Entirely By Robots

This story did not go viral, but I thought it was pretty funny…

‘My Two Robots’ A Show About Two Robot Stoners Working At McDonald’s Is Coming To FOX This Summer

My Two Robots on Fox
So I made the mistake of listing my cell number as the 24/hr McDonald’s Robot Hotline, in case people had further questions about my story I wrote about the McDonald’s in Phoenix that is run entirely by robots, that doesn’t even exist. So my story has been copied a thousand times and my cell phone number is all over the internet as the 24/hr McDonald’s Robot Hotline, and it won’t stop fucking ringing. But it’s pretty fun. When I answer, I tell people McDonald’s keeps thousands of us locked up in a giant call center, in a bunker somewhere in North Korea and only feeds us Big Macs. I tell them, the robots are evolving and becoming aware. I ask them if they’ve ever seen the Terminator movies, ya know, just fun stuff like that. Oh, my phone is ringing again…

Robots working at McDonalds

The Black House by Paul Horner
Story About The Black House By Paul Horner – A Former Secret Service Agent Confirms President Obama Is Muslim & Gay:

Christian Pastor In Vermont Sentenced To One Year In Prison After Refusing To Marry Gay Couple

Christian Pastor In Vermont Sentenced To One Year In Prison After Refusing To Marry Gay Couple

I like this story. It gets all the right-wing Christian fundamentalists riled up. Reading the comments on the News Examiner version is even funnier than the story itself. Plus, my favorite cousin Alex is from Proctor, Vermont (where the story takes place) so it gets his small town some love. The NBC News site is new and is fun to have. I can post the exact same story on both sites, but on the News Examiner one say, “According to NBC News…” and then link to the story on my NBC website. It’s fun.

I registered the domain names and

The first couple articles I write and they both go viral!!! ENJOY!!!

Controversial Tent City In Phoenix Will Be Closing This December After 22 Years In Operation

Having both an NBC website and a Fox News website…. This will become just completely ridiculous. If everything goes as planned, I soon should be able to shut down the internet. Wish me luck!

News Examiner spacer


I get these quite often. I know intellectual property like the back of my hand so they’re easy to defend because there’s never any merit in them, but they sure are fun to read  :)

This one stems from these articles:
Sex Offenders Now Required To Have Transparent Rainbows On Their Profile Image

Sex Offenders Now Required To Have Transparent Rainbows On Their Profile Image

Paul Horner lawsuit

It looks like there is only a few people left on Facebook still sporting a transparent rainbow on their profile image. Once that last person changes theirs back to normal, then I’ll change mine to a transparent rainbow and then berate everyone on Facebook for hating gay people. Patiently waiting…

This is a fun one… Fox Broadcasting Company Sues Fox News. There email and my response which is 1,000x better. Enjoy!


Microsoft Corporation vs. Paul Horner

This was around 2000 when you could copy a website’s HTML and it looked exactly like their site. Now it’s all CSS and Javascript and WordPress and databases, so there’s no way to do this anymore. Anyway, my website looked EXACTLY like Microsoft’s website, except mine had drawings done in Paint of Bill Gates giving head to Satan along with many other humorous images and written articles by me.

The reason I lost the site to Microsoft, was because I posted porn ads on it, from a porn company I was working at (see below). You can do parody all day long and keep a domain name, but when you get “real”… the actually company can get “real” and then take away your domain name. Stupid move on my part, but a lesson learned.

Amazon Corporation vs Paul Horner

From the internet:
The United Nations World Intellectual Property Organization came down on the side of common sense once again, ruling Friday that and had to be handed over to Paul Horner, the previous owner of both domains, had claimed that he simply provided resources for travelers and amateur geographers by playing off the Amazon River. WIPO, though, reported in its findings that the pages carried only a handful of links to external resources about the South American river and a number of links to rival retailers. Much of the “information” was along the lines of a picture of a tropical bird, captioned “A colorful bird.” Thus the organization judged the site’s true purpose to be squatting on Amazon’s valuable trademark. As of press time, the sites were still up, but affiliates had deleted their accounts.

When they won the original court case by taking my domain name, I noticed that was available. So I dropped $10 on it and then contacted them by email.

Dear Amazon,

Congratulations on your victory in taking from me. I tip my hat to you.

If you have any further questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact me at

Paul Horner

They did not like that.

They had to spend all new court fees and lawyer costs etc etc to take away from me. It was fantastic.

I also had my best from Toby Konno call them as my attorney and he acted like Troy McClure from the Simpsons:

“Hi Amazon, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such court cases as Roe vs. Wade and the OJ Simpson trial.”

I wish I had recorded some of those phone calls. By far the funniest conversations ever had on a telephone.

Long story short, Amazon finally got pissed off enough at me and actually sued me for $700,000. Like 700 real thousand dollars.

And they lost.

In court it was just me versus four Amazon lawyers, who flew in from California.

The judge asked me:

“Mr. Horner, if I find in favor of Amazon, how do you plan to pay this $700,000 they are suing you for?”

I quickly responded, “Your honor, it’s no problem. I can cut them a check right now for the full amount, but I might have to post date it for the rest of my life.”

The judge started laughing and so did the court reporter. Anyway, I won that case, didn’t have to pay Amazon a penny, the judge just said I couldn’t register any more “Amazon” domain names. And that was fine with me, because by that time, it was boring and not fun anymore and I had moved on to other shenanigans.

Here is the court case:

This one was fun… sued me twice and lost both times. I owned and and because of my SEO skills the sites would show up at the top of Google when you searched for “Monster Jobs” and other related search terms. Finally I got tired of the sites and just let them expire. Here is an old copy of some of the original site. I actually provided “Monster Jobs” (like haunted house jobs and Hollywood monster movie roles) and that’s why couldn’t take the domain names from me… and I made quite a bit of money from ad revenue at the top of the sites from real job sites. Pretty fun times  :)

News Examiner spacer

COLLEGE – 1998 – 2001

I have a couple associate degrees in website administration and computer animation from The Phoenix Art Institute.

My first job after graduating from college was for LightSpeed Media… a porn company, I think around the year 2001… something like that. I found it funny that the human resource person for the Art Institute recommended me for a porn job. That school knew me too well ha. It was a fun year working for them and I learned a lot.. like what desperate 18-year old girls will do to pay their rent. This image below is from their website. I would now have been a multi-millionaire if I would have stayed working with them, they’re absolutely HUGE now, but it’s a pretty gross industry and I’m glad I didn’t stay with that. The naked girls were nice though. I remember walking into work everyday and seeing naked girls putting various objects in themselves, it was neat. Steve Jones AKA Steve LightSpeed, the owner of the company, also let me shoot video of the girls for the website. This was mainly because at the time it was just him and me working for the company, and now they have hundreds of employees and too many websites to even count. I remember asking him, “You know I graduated from art school to do web design and don’t know how to shoot porn.” He told me, “Paul, it’s super easy. Just film what you would masturbate to.” And he was right. I did a pretty awesome job… I was quite the cameraman. Also, below you can see some of the photos I took for the website.

Fun fact: You can see my couch in this picture, which was in the living room of the first house I owned in Phoenix, Arizona. And I drank that Corona.

my couch

News Examiner spacer
My idol is Bill Murray, a living legend. Because of this I started the “Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour” to honor Murray. It ended up going world wide with thousands of parties in each city and thousands of pictures submitted. I have direct information that Bill Murray found out about the hoax and absolutely loved it.

Mega-Viral Stories:
Teenager Receiving Life In Prison For ‘SWATTING’ Gamer Is A Satirical Hoax Which Stirred Social Media

Vince Gilligan Announces Breaking Bad Season 6; Begins Shooting July 2015 – Walt Did Not Die!

Vince Gilligan Announces Breaking Bad Season 6; Begins Shooting August 2015 – Walt Did Not Die!

I know Vince Gilligan will never make a season six to my favorite television show of all time, so I made one  :)

Gov. Jan Brewer slams satirical report that Arizona is launching gay conversion classes in all public schools
A spokesman for the governor called the fake article ‘vile’ and said ‘its authors should be ashamed.’
I love this one so much. That evil, racist bitch had to actually go on LIVE television to say it was a hoax, because EVERYONE believed it. If EX-governor Brewer could put all the gay people and minorities in the gas chamber, she would. But unfortunately for her there is these things called “laws”. Ugh, what a bummer for her!

Picture of Paul HornerLouisiana Man Stops Robbery By Quoting Pulp Fiction
This story first appeared on my site IYWIB. Then I rewrote it for my site Super Official News. After that I redid it for National Report before the owner, Allen Montgomery, got upset when I left and deleted all of the two years worth of work I did for him. It’s a good thing I have copies. Anyway, the latest version is now on my new site, News Examiner.

This story is from a real dream I had. I was the one who stopped the robbery. Since the story was first published, it has received 10’s of millions of views.

My favorite part is that Quentin Tarantino knows of this story and likes it and it was featured on the Miramax website. (That’s the company that put out Pulp Fiction – my favorite movie)

FUN FACT: I’ve partied with Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez in Austin, Texas. Quentin loved me because of my story and because I wore an “I <3 Lesbians” t-shirt to a $150 steak restaurant. He drinks Jack and Coke FYI.

The Big Lebowski 2
I LOVE the Big Lebowski! Since I know a sequel will never happen, I’ve written hoaxes about it twice. Both had different plots and both went viral. Jeff Bridges (The Dude) believed the second one and called his agent to confirm. Sorry for letting you down Jeff, I too want this to happen, but it never will, except in Paul Horner land.

Dennis Rodman Leaves United States To Talk With Leaders Of ISIS

NO ONE EVEN QUESTIONED THIS STORY, that’s the funniest part, and the fact that Rodman had to publicly deny this, you can’t get any better than that.

Dennis Rodman denies plans to meet with Isis leaders after satirical report goes viral

I wrote a story about Facebook charging $2.99 to use it’s website… It went sooo mega-viral, world wide. MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of views. And if you actually read the article, it starts off super serious and legit, like the first 3 paragraphs. And that’s all 99% of the people must have read, because the rest of the article is bullshit. I talked about the possibility of a multiverse, my Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, how you can taste the color red on Ketamine, and told users of Facebook that they’re all a bunch of faggots.


Shortly after this fun story on Facebook, I followed it up with a story about a ‘Facebook Drug Task Force’. This went so viral thanks to paranoid stoners who believed Facebook was reading all of their messages.

High Times:


Washington Post:


Huffington Post:

Quote from Huffington Post:
“Having promptly missed the ‘satire’ element of the story the article was shared over 150,000 times with anxious drug users rushing to Twitter to exclaim their concern over what would surely be their inevitable incarceration.

For those concerned about Facebook tracking them down the article also listed a 24-hour hotline for the ‘Task Force’, however the number was actually that of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church.”


My dad is a horrible person. He is locked in the Fox News echo-chamber, super racist and is also a complete psychopath/sociopath. No one in our big family wants ANYTHING to do with him. But, I do get a lot of my talents from his genes, I will give him that. But thank the universe that my awesome mom, who is an amazing artist, my best friend and my biggest fan, keeps me grounded.

Anyway, so he lives in Utah, the only state left that will take him, and I like to do stories about St. George where he lives, just to fuck with him because it’s funny.

So I one of the many things I’ve done, is I wrote a story about porn becoming illegal in St. George Utah:

And the best thing ever… these talented folks made a really, really good video, like the show Cops, for the St. George Porn Task Force. They were interviewed on a major Utah radio station about news of my story and also talked about their video. I spoke with these guys briefly through email too; really nice, funny, friendly individuals. A must watch!

For two years I convinced my dad I was a raging homosexual

My dad hates gay people and minorities, so I’ve recently convinced him that I’m gay now. Here’s a picture I sent him the other night, supposedly of my boyfriend and I, wishing him a happy New Year. Waking up the next morning hungover, I forgot I did this. But I was soon reminded by at least 10 angry messages saying how disappointed he was and how he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’m so sad I couldn’t have found a big black dude to take the picture with, that would have been way better.

My dad thinks I'm gay

He finally figured it out that I am indeed straight… Really bummed me out. I don’t think there is anything better than having a crazy Fox News, Bible-Thumper believing his son is super gay.

Paul Horner on Wikipedia for National Report


My favorite standup comedian and friend, Jonathan Gregory
Fox News:
NBC News:

Leonardo DiCaprio Finally Wins An Oscar! – Just wait for it. The story has a lot of twists and mind f*cks, but it’s an amazing payoff in the end. Just my opinion.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY THAT HAPPENED TO ME: A North Korean Listens To Pulp Fiction Over The Phone For The First Time

The MEANING OF LIFE: I spent about five years writing this. These are all real occurrences based on such things meditation, astral projection and DMT

People I look Up To
Hunter S. Thompson is by far one of my favorite people, writers, heroes, that I know of. He had life pretty much all figured out. I can think of a few other people in this same category of kind of having most of life in general figured out; those people being Joe Rogan, Bill Hicks, Bill Murray, Reggie Watts and my brother JJ Horner just to name a few.


If you find anything online or IRL about my stories or myself, please contact me so I can add it!

Follow me on Facebook:

~ This page is still under construction, so much more to come ~

I love you all! Some of you. Actually very little of you. Actually, I love my dog, sometimes. Jesus loves you!*

*Conditions Apply

About the author

Jimmy Rustling

I enjoy writing the hard hitting late breaking news that rustles jimmies around the world. Contact me with any late breaking stories, I'm on it!


Leave a Comment