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Church Group Gathers In Capital to Sue Pastor Over Failed Doomsday Prediction

Royal, Arkansas – The Church of the Seventh Coalition is fed up with their pastor over a series of doomsday predictions that have failed to come true. Pastor Harper McCormac has been making predictions over the past year, saying that the Biblical end times are coming. Originally he claimed that the world would end on January 17, then again on March 14, and yet again on May 30. As we can all see, none of these end time predictions have come true and apparently the congregation of the Seventh Coalition have felt the effects. After hearing the Pastor’s predictions, many members of the congregation began to make disastrous life decisions while thinking they were living in the end of days.

Several of the Church’s members gave their accounts of what happened after hearing they were facing the Apocalypse. Mary Weaver-68, said “I wholeheartedly believed Pastor McCormac when he told us in May that the world was coming to an end. And when I heard it, I thought to myself ‘Mary, you still got a lot of life you haven’t lived’,” said Weaver. “See, my husband Ronnie, God rest his soul, never taught me how to drive and I’ve always loved the water. So I decided to take what money I had and buy me a jet ski. If the world was gonna end, what was the harm? We never even got to put it in the lake. I tried it out in cousin Earl’s above ground pool and now here I am in this hospital bed.”





Another unlucky member, Danny Williams-65, was also a victim of this Pastor’s reckless predictions. “I’ve always loved to gamble,” said Williams. “Poker, blackjack, craps, if there’s a game going I’m there. So when Pastor McCormac said back in January that the world was going to end, well I got a little crazy with my betting. I was betting huge amounts on little things. I’d bet my friends on what somebody would order in a coffee shop, or what stores a woman would go into in the mall. Hell I lost $7,000 betting on a line that Charlton Heston said in Planet of the Apes. Before I knew it, I was plumb out of money.”

Clearly the members of this congregation have been heavily impacted by the sway of this Pastor’s opinions. And the Church’s members may have a legal precedent for their suit. In the 2008 suit of Wagner v LHC, the plaintiff was able to win their suit based on similar claims.

But Pastor Harper McCormac has been quick to defend his predictions. “My doomsday predictions have been based on the latest scientific and theological evidence.” said McCormac. “It’s not my fault the Apocalypse didn’t occur when it should have.” He is also fairly confident about his legal defense. “Listen, in the Bible it says that no one will know the day or the hour of Armageddon. Or something like that, I don’t know. Point is, if these people were good Christians they wouldn’t be in this position. Now get out of my office.”

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Bailey "Blue" Brown

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