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Ted Cruz: “I Will Endorse Donald Trump For President If He Makes Masturbation Illegal”

Ted Cruz to endorse Donald Trump
Written by Jimmy Rustling

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) — U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) sent shockwaves through the Republican Party today when he announced that he would endorse Donald Trump for President, but only if the GOP nominee would be willing to publicly support a ban on masturbation. The Senator called this ‘The single most important issue facing the country today’ and that without ‘swift action by the next President the country was doomed to slide down a slippery slope of debauchery and self-satisfaction’.



“Self-love is a silent killer in this country. This needless act of hedonistic indulgence is leading our children down a dark and destructive path. It starts innocently enough with a JC Penney catalogue tucked under your mattress, but it quickly spirals out of control, and before you know it, your mother has to call the coroner because you’ve died from auto-erotic asphyxiation. I’m not saying that we should lock up these one armed bandits and throw away the key; what we need is a compassionate approach that helps these deviants reform and become productive members of society. That is why I believe a prison sentence of three to five years will help motivate these heathens to change their evil ways and stay off the Devil’s playground for good,” Cruz said. “I’m asking Mr. Trump to acknowledge the severity of this problem, and commit to finding real solutions. If he does that, I will do whatever it takes to help him secure the White House in November. Should Mr. Trump decline, I think it’s safe to say that all options, including a third party run, are out on the table.”

Donald Trump told ABC News that he was open to the idea, though he refused to take a clear stand on the issue.

“Look, do I think Ted Cruz is right about this? Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. To be honest, I don’t know a lot about this subject matter. I don’t need to. I have a wife that takes care of this for me, and she’s a beautiful wife, the best wife, the greatest wife. My people are going to take a hard look into this matter and find a great answer for it, the best answer there is. I want an endorsement from Senator Cruz, and I think I can go along with his request that makes pleasuring your genitalia for non-reproductive purposes illegal.”

This is not the first time that Cruz has attempted to use his political power to curtail the act of self-stimulation. As solicitor general of Texas in 2007 he fought to uphold the state’s ban on sex toys by arguing that there was no “Right to stimulate one’s genitals.” Cruz eventually lost this battle, but the story re-surfaced this year and gained widespread media attention, prompting Cruz’s former college roommate Craig Mazin to tweet that Cruz’s stance against stimulating one’s own genitals was “A new belief of his”, implying that much of Cruz’s time in college was, in fact, spent stimulating his own genitals. Another one of Cruz’s former college roommates, Matt Daemon, has recently come forward to corroborate Mazin’s story.

“All Ted Cruz did was take care of little Ted Cruz back then, which is fine I guess, but he was always real creepy about doing it. Honestly, I lost track of the number of times I came home to find him laying on the couch naked, lotion and Kleenex next to him, watching re-runs of Walker Texas Ranger. He wouldn’t even try and cover up when I caught him, he would just stare at me in the eyes and continue until I left the room. It’s absolutely hilarious about the tough stance on touching one’s self that Ted has taken in this country. I truly believe he may have pulled on it one too many times and it broke or something and now feels that if he can’t do it anymore, then no one can.”



Sarah Bradley, a spokeswoman for Sock It Forward, a group that provides the homeless and those less fortunate with brand new socks, told ABC News that she is sickened by the Republican party.

“It is absolutely disgusting that in this day in age, a creepy weirdo like Ted Cruz was almost elected as the GOP nomination for President,” Bradley said. “With all the real problems in this country like starvation, so many people out of work and families living on the street, Cruz is focused on making pleasuring yourself a crime.” Bradley continued, “Also, I just want to say a big thank you to everyone that has supported our cause in giving new socks to the homeless, it means so much. Please, donate what you can, every bit helps.”

Cruz, however, remains undeterred by his detractors. “When you play with your Devil stick or ring the Devil’s doorbell you make the angels in heaven weep, and they are weeping for this country 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. America needs strong moral leadership, and I pray that Donald Trump is up to the task. The fate of our great nation is in his hands; hopefully, they’re big enough to handle it.”

Most pundits expect Trump to answer Cruz’s call and demand a stiffer approach to the matter. A recent poll by the New York Times found that 43% of likely Trump voters support a ban on self-stimulation due to moral and religious concerns. Another 46% would be okay with a ban, saying that they, like Trump, have far too many potential suitors, and therefore do not need to satisfy their own urges. Only 11% of Trump supporters are against a ban.

RNC political strategist, 37-year-old Paul Horner, calls the move a “no-brainer” and says that Trump would be foolish to turn his back on Cruz.

“Conservatives are siding with Cruz overwhelmingly on this issue. If Donald does not side with the Senator, he risks alienating the party’s Christian base and opening the door for a third party run by Cruz which would fracture the vote and all but guarantee a victory for Clinton. Trump needs to agree with Cruz on this one, no matter how creepy, insane and absolutely horrible of a person he is.”

Regardless of which side Trump takes on the issue, it is certain to invoke heated debate on both sides of the political aisle. You can voice your opinion about Cruz’s proposal by calling the Senator’s 24-Hour No Self-Love Hotline at (785) 273-0325.










About the author

Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.

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