Religion

New Passover Rules Put The Squeeze on Laxative Industry

passover
Written by Jane Cal

Pittsburgh, PA–Last week’s announcement by the Conservative Jewish Movement (USJC) detailing their decision to approve a broader range of foods considered kosher for Passover has many in the laxative industry worried.

“Traditionally this time of year we see quite a boost in our sales.” Colin Heath, a spokesperson for Phillips’, the maker of Milk of Magnesia, said Thursday. “Matzoh has almost no fiber,” he continued, “and we have always been able to bank on millions of constipated Jews to buoy our third quarter sales.”

The USCJ decreed last week that previously off-limits kitniyot such as beans, legumes, corn, hummus, and even sushi are now acceptable fare for Passover.

“We have already seen a slow down in sales in traditionally Jewish metro areas such as Brooklyn, Boca Raton, Baltimore and L.A,” said Jean Swift, Public Relations Director for Fleet Laboratories, a company whose entire product line caters to the digestively challenged. “I don’t really understand the decision,” she added “I thought matzoh was eaten because that is all the Jews could carry. How much sushi do you think they carried through the desert?”

Matzoh producers are also feeling strained with a noticeable drop in predicted sales ahead of the eight day holiday. In an interview earlier this week Shlomo Tietlebaum, Quality Control Manager for Manischewitz, remarked “When Streit’s left New York last year, we were hopeful we might gain some of their market share, but now this meshegas!”

The Jewish community, however, has embraced the ruling. “Honestly, after about four days you start to think you can’t eat one more piece of matzoh. I am looking forward to gefilte fish tacos this year!”, William Robert Goldfarb of Texas remarked. “I’m making gumbo, paella, enchiladas, you name it!”

The USCJ dictum is predicted to cost the laxative industry upwards of $18 million in sales this holiday. Passover begins at sundown on Friday, April 22.

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Jane Cal

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