Satire

Catholic Church Takes Credit For Ice Bucket Challenge; Goal Was To Baptize All Non-Believers

Written by Jimmy Rustling
Ice Bucket Challenge

The Catholic Church has stepped forward and claimed responsibility for the creation of the Ice Bucket Challenge. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Vatican City, 19 September, 2014 (VIS) — In a shocking announcement made today from the Vatican, the Catholic Church, sharing an update after its recent meeting of the Council of Cardinals, is claiming responsibility for the much-renowned, mega-viral Ice Bucket Challenge and proclaiming all participants were baptized during the act.

Paul Horner, director of public relations for the Vatican, told CNN why the Ice Bucket Challenge was created.

“The idea was borne in a time of grand disarray for the Catholic Church, a time in which many shepherds and lambs had lost their way in the righteous and just path of the Lord. Attendance at mass was at an all-time low and we needed a way to gather new members. We prayed and held council for many months, deciding upon the ethical and moral repercussions of such an action, and in the end, it was the Holy Spirit that compelled us. Working hand in hand with the directors of the ALS Association, we figured out a way to benefit both of our causes, and thus, the Ice Bucket Challenge came to be.”

According to a statement from the director of the Holy See Press Office, Father Federico Lombardi, S.J., explained how millions of individuals became baptized because of the challenge.


“The Vatican worked closely with the ALS Association throughout the initiation of the challenge, using God’s divine work to bring forth millions of people sadly destined to dwell outside the hallowed house of our Lord Jesus Christ in the years beyond the shuffling of the mortal coil. With God’s approval, Pope Francis blessed the entire American water supply, guaranteeing that all heathens, Atheists, Devil worshipers, biddle bangers, whicklewankers and doboppers would become baptized. Thanks to the Ice Bucket Challenge, they will now all have a seat reserved for them in the Kingdom of God.” Father Lombardi continued, “Only now that millions have sought the kindness and generosity in their hearts to finding a cure for this crippling disease is the church speaking out, urging all the new-found Catholics to embrace the way of the universal light of God, to go forth, take communion, and share in the truth, love and peace of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

ALS spokesperson Jack Phillips, in a statement released by The Epoch Times, spoke of the success the Ice Bucket Challenge has brought to the association.

“Since July 29th, we have seen more than 70,000 new donors, raising not only money for research and development, but also awareness and education for those without knowledge of Lou Gehrig’s disease. The Catholic church has been instrumental in this outpouring of support, and in turn, we respect and cherish their involvement and encourage those that have participated to find the empty place in their hearts to embrace Jesus Christ.”

Horner told reporters that the Catholic Church contributes the success and popularity of the Ice Bucket Challenge due to divine intervention of the Holy Spirit, an act only almighty God could have surmised and put into existence.


“We could not have done this without all the support and love from those who participated in this wonderful thing. Because of your actions, we have baptized millions of non-believers. We hope all the new Catholics out there can join us at mass this Sunday.”

Father Lombardi also noted that the Pope is “a big Yankees fan”, and owns a baseball signed by the late Lou Gehrig, the baseball Hall-of-Famer that first brought widespread attention to ALS with his sudden retirement in 1939 and subsequent death, both related to the disease in 1941.

To date, the ALS Association has received over $113 million in support via the Ice Bucket Challenge. There are currently over 4 million participants in the challenge and that number continues to rise daily.

Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) is a progressive Neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually leads to death. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, patients in the later stages of the disease may become totally paralyzed.

The Vatican has setup a 24-hour hotline to answer any questions for those who were baptized because of the Ice Bucket Challenge at (785) 273-0325.

VIDEO: The Vatican Claims Responsibility For The Ice Bucket Challenge

Article originally posted on Super Official News with permission.




About the author

Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.

Leave a Comment

/* ]]> */