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New Fountain Of Youth Drug Keeps Pets Their Same Size Forever

Animal wonder drug keeps pets the same small size

A veterinarian injecting a 2-week-old kitten with Adorablelol®. One injection of Adorablelol® will keep this kitten the exact same size for its entire lifetime. (AP Photo/Myron Danus)

San Francisco, CA — According to NBC News, Pfizer, Inc. is proud to release its highly anticipated, anti-aging, anti-growing, animal wonder drug, Adorablelol®.

Paul Horner, CEO and Managing Director of Pfizer, told CNN that Adorablelol® will change the animal world forever.

“Keeping animals at their small, cute size will make them more desirable and less likely to be abandoned or put in a shelter. Never again will you have to throw away your pets when they choose to get bigger,” Horner said. “Big animals are usually loud and eat more food. Smaller animals are quiet, don’t eat as much food and take up less space, hence making them more cost effective and better for the environment. Adorablelol® will make our world a much happier place to live and save it from certain destruction.”

Individuals in the science community are already calling Adorablelol® the fountain of youth for animals.

“It’s absolutely amazing,” Peter Von Growheimer, a spokesman for Berkley said. “Just one injection of Adorablelol® will keep an animal from growing larger or aging for its entire lifespan. And best yet, during this time while the animal ceases to grow or age, normal brain development will still occur. That means you will always have a cute little puppy or kitten who will also continue to get more intelligent as the years go by.”

Critics of the drug say Pfizer is messing with Mother Nature.

“Animal population is a very delicate thing in nature,” Erich Sean of PETA said. “Not all animals can be allowed to live, some animals need to be put to death. If animals stay cute and adorable, no one will ever want to put them down. Soon things are going to get completely out of control and the animals could take over.” Sean continued, “We must stop Pfizer and Adorablelol® before it’s too late!”

Tom Downey, a spokesman for Pfizer told reporters that human testing is already in stage four of development.

“The human baby, when injected with Adorablelol®, will not grow in size but brain function will continue to develop as normal. Imagine having a thirty-five pound baby that looks three years old, and is a senior in College? How adorable would that be?” Downey said. “My friends and fellow colleagues, this is the future of cuteness, available now!”

Pfizer, Inc. is an American multinational pharmaceutical corporation headquartered in New York City, New York, with its research headquarters in Groton, Connecticut. It is among one of the world’s largest pharmaceutical companies by revenues. There is no adverse side effects of Adorablelol®. Over 5 billion animals suffer yearly from aging and growing in the United States. Contact your local veterinarian’s office to see if Adorablelol® is right for your pet. Pfizer has setup a 24-hour hotline to answer any questions you may have about Adorablelol® at (785) 273-0325.

About the author

Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.


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