Black Friday Statistics Are In, 3,433 Deaths On the Shopping Holiday

Written by Jimmy Rustling

Richmond, VA – The official numbers of people killed while Black Friday shopping are in from the FBI and the results are shocking. According to the Uniform Crime Reporting system, on the most recent Black Friday over 3,000 people were killed while trying to get their hands on bottom dollar prices. Every year, retailers drop their prices for the Friday after Thanksgiving but instead of simply enjoying the good deals, some shoppers turned violent on each other resulting in death, mayhem, and destruction across the nation.

Shoppers attack a 13 year old girl (pictured center) for a blender

Some of the worst violence occurred in Little Rock, Arkansas where 312 people were killed, over 2,000 were injured and shoppers tried to burn down the Governor’s Mansion. “It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Fred Bean a local Arkansan. “I was in the Wal-Mart just looking for some deals on Christmas toys. I heard a fight break out when they announced the PS4s were an additional 10% off. People started punching and stomping each other and the next thing I know people are marching out the door with torches and pitchforks. It was really easy for them to find that stuff too because Wal-Mart has such a broad selection. Anyway, I saw them heading off towards the Target so I bought an Iron Man mask and got the heck out of there.”


Violence broke out on a wider scale in Shreveport Louisiana where local law enforcement had to call in the riot squad to pacify some rowdy shoppers who had gathered in the streets.Mr. Bean survived the ordeal with no injuries, but others were not so lucky. Leah Alexander, an avid Black Friday deal finder, was seriously injured by another shopper at a Sam’s club. “I’d heard stories about how Black Fridays can turn on you, but I never imagined it could be this bad,” said Alexander through a stream of tears. “I saw that things were about to get rough so I started running with my buggy toward the checkout. Then I saw this guy, he had climbed all the way to the top of one of the shelves. He was shirtless with a huge bloody handprint on his chest. The last thing I remember was him yelling ‘WITNESS ME!’, then he dove off the shelf and into me and my shopping cart.”

Sergeant Beaudreaux of the Shreveport P.D. had this to say about the experience. “It was pretty wild out there. Blood in the streets, people getting trampled to death, ya hate to see that kind of thing. But honestly how many chances do ya get to put down a real life riot!”

Experts say that this Black Friday has been the bloodiest one yet and that next year’s will be even worse. These experts blame the outrageous deals that some retailers are offering. Only time will tell.

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About the author

Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.