Obama To Auction Off All Marijuana Seized In Drug Raids Since Taking Office

Washington DC — At a press conference today, President Obama announced plans to auction off all of the marijuana that has been seized in drug raids since his presidency began in 2008. The auctions are to be held in states that have legalized the drug for recreational and medicinal purposes. Only users with a medical marijuana card can participate in the auctions.

“Starting in November of this year, in all major cities, in the states that have legalized marijuana, we will begin holding public auctions, selling off the marijuana that has been collected from drug raids since I took office in 2008,” Obama told reporters. “The public is welcome to attend these auctions, they must show proof of a medical marijuana card in order to participate. These auctions will help raise money to treat addiction and also raise funds to improve operations by the drug enforcement agency.”

Bryan Way, a spokesman for NORML, a nonprofit organization working to legalize marijuana, told reporters he does not agree with the auctions.

“Back in 2008, when running for President, Obama said he would be lenient on marijuana laws. Since taking office he has done just the complete opposite,” said Way. “He’s conducted major raids in every state that has legalized marijuana. He’s seized billions of dollars worth of property and assets, ruined lives, torn apart families, and put thousands of people in prison. All of this over a harmless plant that should be legal in the first place. And now he wants to put all of that marijuana seized back on the street with these auctions. The hypocrisy in all of this is beyond ridiculous.”

35-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona told CNN he is excited to participate in the upcoming marijuana auctions.

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“I think it’s great what Obama is doing. I’ll be able to buy my weed cheap, all off the broken dreams of people who are now in prison. I’m so stoked!”

Jared Reagan had his marijuana dispensary raided back in March and is now looking at 10 years in prison.

“Obama is taking the marijuana that’s been seized on a Federal level from states that have legalized it, and then selling it back to them. He is by far the biggest drug kingpin in the world and instead of being locked up in prison, he’s the President of The United States.”

John Hawes, head of the DEA task force in California, told Fox News he is excited about the upcoming marijuana auctions.

“We’ll be carefully watching all of this and tracking everyone that’s buying marijuana from these auction houses. Obama already gave us the green light for raids in all 50 states at the beginning of this year. These auctions will give our organization so many new leads in the war on drugs. I can’t wait to make more seizures and put the bad guys in jail.”

Participants in the auctions will be limited to two pounds of marijuana per month. The Obama Administration has setup a 24-hour hotline to answer any questions you may have along with finding an auction house near you.

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Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.