Have you ever wanted to learn more about Paul Horner? Sure, we all have. Well, today you’re in luck, because here is 20 fun-filled facts that will give an insight into the mind of a genius.

#1. I am proud to say that I am the first straight male to masturbate to pictures of Caitlyn Jenner.

#2. Last Halloween I put three dicks in my mouth and went as my ex-girlfriend.

#3. Every Father’s Day I take that long dreadful walk to the mail box hoping not to find a Father’s Day card inside. So this Father’s Day, I prayed to the universe, God, Source, Buddha, Allah; PLEASE keep my winning streak alive. And guess what happened? No Father’s Day card!!!

#4. One time I opened up a fortune cookie that said to treat others how you would want to be treated. So now I walk around giving hand jobs to everyone I meet.

#5. I love abortion jokes. They really bring out the kid in you.

#6. One time I met this girl I really liked. I told her to call when she got home. She must be homeless.

#7. I check myself for testicular cancer at least 6 hours every day. So far I’m proud to say that I’m cancer free!

#8. When I was 9, a girl I loved refused to kiss me while playing Spin the Bottle. 27 years later, she sent me a FarmVille request on Facebook. Oh how the tables have turned.

#9. On Facebook I like using passive aggressive comments such as “jus’ sayin” and “no offense” which we all know means, “I’m going to immediately offend you, but I’ll make a disclaimer first”. For example: “Hey Kathy, no offense but I don’t like fat bitches named Kathy, jus’ sayin’”

#10. I like hitting the Facebook share button on porn sites. I think to myself, you know who would really enjoy this hardcore interracial anal gangbang video… all my closest friends and family members.

#11. The other day I was at the store and in the parking lot I saw an older lady struggling to get out of her car. So I walked over and helped her. She then reached into her purse and offered to give me a $1. I said, “Mam, I can’t accept that. Seriously, I need at least $5.” She then snarled at me, turned into a dragon, and flew away.

#12. I like giving girls orgasms. I don’t like it when they spit it out though.

#13. I hate pedophiles. They’re fucking immature assholes.

#14. If I had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive, eventually they’d find me attractive.

#15. One time when I was younger, like last year, my mom caught me masturbating. So I stared her right in the eyes and finished like a boss.

#16. I have a theory that 9 out of 10 participants enjoy gang rape.

#17. I wrote a hoax that went viral around the world about the graffiti artist Banksy being arrested. I made a fake mug shot of myself and said his real name was Paul Horner. Anyway, there is a real fancy bar and restaurant in Utah that owns two original pieces of Banksy artwork.

So going along with my story, they started serving an alcoholic beverage called ‘The Paul Horner’. The drink has about 10 ingredients in it, and the owner told me it has quickly become one their most popular drinks.

My favorite part of this story is not that I have my very own drink, but that Mormons in Utah are getting fucking wasted off Paul Horner. Makes me so happy.

Though, I would have to say my favorite thing to come out of that hoax, besides thousands of dollars of ad revenue is this: My best friend in the world while growing up, Jim Hallman, who actually lives in England spoke with me on Facebook a couple days after my story went viral around the world.

He said, “Paul, did you hear Banksy got arrested?” And I said, “No way, are you serious?” Then I let him tell me the whole story, which went on for about 30 minutes. Then when he was done, I asked him, “So, you haven’t actually seen or read the article?”

He said no, but that everyone was talking about it at his work, at the bars etc etc. I then asked him to Google the article.

He brought it up, and there starring at him was a huge picture of me and the story that said Banksy’s real name was ‘Paul Horner’.

I remember there being thing long silence, and then he said some words I couldn’t make out, then some profanity, then laughing for like two minutes and then he shouts, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?”

#18. On a related note, I’ve gotten laid 24 times by telling girls that I am the graffiti artist Banksy.

#19. And, I’ve gotten laid 18 times by telling religious girls that God would want you to do this.

#20. A lot of religious people knock on my door encouraging me to become religious, but not once has a gay person knocked on my door encouraging me to become gay.


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About the author

Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.