Menlo Park, CA — At a press conference today Facebook announced its intentions to cut down underage use on the site in an effort to “protect the children”. The social media giant cited problems with criminal activity and pedophiles running rampant throughout the site.
“We thought long and hard about this decision, but at the end of the day, we wanted to do the right thing,” Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “If we don’t do something to keep the children safe now, who will?”
“This is bad news for Facebook stock holders,” says Wall Street analyst Tom Downey. “As of last quarter, Facebook passed 1.23 billion monthly active users. If just 25% of the 17 and younger crowd on Facebook stop using the site, that’s not just a decrease in revenue of a few dollars, that’s a game changer right there.”
In an interview with CNN, Facebook spokesman Paul Horner explained the process minors will now have to go through to use the social media website in the future.
“Facebook, Inc. will now be requiring written consent forms signed by the parents or legal guardians of the minor acknowledging their use of the site and waiving any liability that Facebook may hold. These forms will need to be signed and returned no later than June 1st.” Horner said. “Facebook is not just fun and games anymore; we are taking this matter extremely serious.”
Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation group, says their business could not survive without Facebook and the minors that their page attracts.
“Denying minors to use Facebook means there won’t be as many young heathens on the site to help stay off the Devil’s playground. This whole thing is just horrible for everyone; I definitely have my prayer app set.”
Horner told reporters that those under the age of 18 will begin to receive consent forms in their Facebook inbox as soon as May 1st.
“Any minors not properly filling out all the forms and returning them by the deadline will immediately have their account suspended until all proper guidelines have been met,” Horner said. “We will be verifying everything very carefully with such things as random phone calls to the child’s home for example.”
Shares of Facebook closed Tuesday at 82.28, down .04 (.05%). To receive your parental consent form early, you can click here or call the 24-hour Facebook parental consent hotline at (785) 273-0325.
