ISIS Leader Says Masturbation Causes Hands To Become Pregnant In The Afterlife

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the ISIS leader with a $10 million bounty on his head, spoke to the Al Jazeera satellite television network via cellphone this morning. During the short interview, which lasted under two minutes, the ISIS leader warned followers of the Islamic State that masturbation will cause their hands to become pregnant in the afterlife.

“One Hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife,” the ISIS leader said.

The Hadith are a collection of teachings of the Islamic prophet Muhammad. The act of masturbation is prohibited in Islam, and the Quran clearly states this in its many verses.

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke to CNN about the comments made by Al-Baghdadi.

“We could learn a lot from ISIS,” Childs said. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now have helped thousands of adults and children live a masturbation-free lifestyle. Our organization has collected thousands of signatures from children all around the world promising to never masturbate. ISIS should consider joining forces with us to help put an end to self-rape once and for all.”

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is 36-year-old Paul Horner, told reporters he agrees with the ISIS leader.

“Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Horner said. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, is a top ten cause of disease, and now apparently causes your hands to become pregnant in the afterlife, so now there’s that too. With the help of God, Allah and groups like ISIS, one day masturbation will finally be illegal.”

Al-Baghdadi finished the brief interview by saying, “No 72 virgins in the afterlife for those who self-rape with thy self. Plus, no masturbation either; your pregnant hand won’t be “in the mood”. Death to the Infidels.”

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Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.