Dying Mans Last Words: I Masturbated To Pictures Of Caitlyn Jenner

Phoenix, Arizona — Paul Stephen Horner, a 102-year-old Arizona man had some unusual last words for family members just before passing away while on his deathbed late Saturday night.

“He whispered for all of us to come closer, so we did,” Horner’s oldest son Milton told local news station ABC 15. “He then got this crazy looking grin on his face and with his last ounce of energy chuckled, ‘I masturbated to pictures of Caitlyn Jenner’, and then that crazy bastard passed away.”

Horner, who was in hospice care at his Phoenix home, had his seven sons, three daughters, twenty-seven grandchildren, and 13 great-grandchildren by his side when he made the startling announcement.

Horner, who died of natural causes, was married for 72 years, served in both World War I and World War II earning the Purple Heart and Medal of Bravery.

Horner’s funeral will be held this Thursday at the Phoenix First Assembly of God. A private gathering of family and close friends is scheduled at his residence in North East Phoenix later that evening.

The family says they already have plans for Horner’s tombstone which they say will read, “Here lies Paul Horner. The first straight male to masturbate to pictures of Caitlyn Jenner.”

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Jimmy Rustling

Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.