Soon after announcing Minecraft update 1.9 (dubbed ‘the Combat Update’), Mojang took to various social media outlets to gauge the expectations of Minecrafters everywhere. While this was already a classy move, they took it a step further by asking for the community’s suggestions. “Lots of people seem anxious we’re going to do it wrong,” developer Dinnerbone proclaimed in a tweet, “so tell us how to do it right.”

Damn, Mojang – that’s downright noble. Only one problem: when you ask the internet for ideas, you’re going to get some weird answers. It would seem that some people have strange hopes for the future of Minecraft – dreams of repurposed RVs, intimidating facial hair, boxes of rocks (shoot – I mean minerals), and of blue Albuquerque skies. Oh, and meth.

That’s right – to turn whitelist on recent discovery has nearly confirmed that much of The Combat Update’s content will be Breaking Bad themed.

Making Mines

That’s right – a recent discovery has nearly confirmed that much of The Combat Update’s content will be Breaking Bad themed. Interest in AMC’s acclaimed crime drama has been steadily dwindling since the show went off the air in 2013. It seems that the big entertainment executives have found a solution – mixing the brand with the world’s most successful video game!

I was initially wary about this addition to the game – wouldn’t a Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones expansion be more fitting? – but each day finds me more comfortable with the idea. I will admit that some of the planned features are unorthodox. I mean, Birthday Bacon? Come on. But this is an incredibly bold direction to take the game, eschewing traditional medieval combat for drug-related subterfuge and cartel-centric carnage, and I’m excited to see how it unfolds.

One thing that Mojang has made clear is that Minecraft is changing directions with this update. Instead of digging, building, and crafting, the new game will focus around building up an impressive lab, undergoing hours of arduous chemical algorithms,  and then pushing drugs for money. The Cartel, the DEA, and your Family are three factions that will be added with the update. These factions’ respective NPCs will make the meth-making process both challenging and engaging.

The Goods

Now I know that some of you are probably asking, “What the heck could Breaking Bad add to my Minecraft experience?” Allow me to retort: a lot. Five seasons of legendary scenes and iconic conflicts make for more than enough content to draw from. Let’s check out what’s coming down the pipeline:

Attire

• Heisenberg’s Hat: ah, the good old pork pie hat. Nevermind that it was worn by British women in the 1830s – Walter White made this thing badass. Not a day goes by that I don’t see a group of young, attractive people flaunting this cap. Minecraft is picking up on the trend a little late, but at least their hat comes with additional powers
  • wearing the hat reduces all knockback and increases both style and intimidation by 15
  • while equipped, your ‘Family Tension’ meter will empty instead of fill
  • pressing 1-9 on the keyboard will play an iconic line from Walter White
  • you will appear to have a full, albeit hidden, head of hair
• Sunglasses: these go incredibly well with the aforementioned hat. The two can be crafted together to make one headpiece, which combines the benefits of each item into one
  • you’re way too cool while wearing these – reduce all fire damage to 0.
  • they’re polarized, though – screen is visibly darkened while equipped, becoming completely black if it’s night or if you’re underground
  • beware – if you wear the Hat + Glasses combo, cartel members will start to produce sketches of you for bounty
• Hazmat Suit: with the addition of the a chemistry system, one can assume that many caustic materials will find their way into 1.9
  • Hazmat suit prevents all poison damage and counteracts splash potions
• Birthday Suit: you all remember Walt’s fugue state, don’t you? If you don’t, the only thing you need to know is that he ends up butt-naked in a mini-mart. This wrinkly costume grants several impressive abilities –
  • if a player is looking at you while you are wearing the Birthday Torso, Leggings, and Boots, their screen will pan away until they can no longer see you
  • if your ‘Family Tension’ meter is getting too full, donning the birthday suit and walking blankly through a village will reduce the bar by 50%
  • creepers will prematurely explode when you pull into their line of sight

Weapons

• New Weapon type – Daggers
  • Plate Dagger: an easily concealable shard of porcelain, good for an impromptu shanking
    • spawns randomly from shattering china
    • low durability, easily countered by the Bike Lock
  • Box Cutter: a small, retractable blade. The sharp end is great for sending a message
    • extends and retracts for easy storage
    • bright green plastic  makes it hard to misplace
• New Weapon type – Guns
  • Snub-Nose Pistol: a concealable pistol, this doesn’t pack too big a punch, but can prove handy in a pinch
    • despite being really small, you can’t seem to actually hide it from enemies
  • M60 Turret: a fully automated gun that sprays bullets in a fan
    • can only be mounted in the trunk of a car
    • use of the turret will cause a stray bullet to hit the owner, killing them slowly
• Bike Lock: if you catch an opponent sleeping, you can secure them by the neck to any object with a narrow profile. Very effective against plate daggers.
• Cousins’ Ax: a shiny chrome ax, useful for chopping trees and limbs
  • when swung at an enemy player, a text message will interrupt the attack and instruct you to desist your murder efforts
• Mercury Fulminate: Cartel bigwigs stripping your guns before meetings? No problem – this explosive projectile will make your drug-dealings much easier to navigate
• Hydrofluoric Acid: melt your enemies’ faces and torsos.
  • this caustic liquid can be carried and thrown from Teflon buckets, or used to dispose of lingering corpse

World / Blocks / Other Features

• New technology system – “Chemistry
  • adds a system of tanks, valves, and beakers, as well as the hosing with which to connect them
  • redstone integrated control stations will also be implemented
  • 20+ new chemicals, minerals, and ores added, all derived from our modern understanding of metallurgy
• New status meter – “Family Tension”
  • found beneath the hunger meter, this will fill as you lie to your family and cook meth
  • when it fills all the way, your significant other will join your drug-selling exploits.
    • filling it a second time will cause you to have a falling out with your son
    • further fillings call a Cartel or DEA strike on your lab
• New Biomes – “Albuquerque” and “Mexico”
• New Building: “Los Pollos Hermanos” will now spawn randomly throughout the world. They can occur once per biome, typically occurring in desert and plains biomes.
  • adds an array of new NPCs, Blocks, and items, including the Chicken Bucket block and the laptop
  • Cashier NPCs accept emeralds and cash in exchange for fried chicken and soda
  • Pimply Teen NPCs craft your chicken in the kitchen, using the finest ingredients and slow cooking them to perfection
• New Building: “Cow Houses” will also spawn in desert and plains biomes
  • Despite their name, these structures house no cows
• New Resources: “Meth” and “Cash”
  • Trade Meth for Cash, or vise versa
• Birthday Bacon: denotes a player’s birthday
  • every year, on the day of your account’s creation, a plate of bacon and eggs will appear when you spawn. Your account’s age will be cleverly denoted by bacon

Discovery

The method of this discovery was really quite simple. Last week, Mojang released an enigmatic tweet, containing an ill-formatted image. The riddle was solved nigh immediately, prompting a wave of ecstasy about new arrows and shields. In all the hype about these awesome features, however, a key detail was overlooked – what is that upside-down player model doing?

I initially speculated that this was some sort of Dan Brown humor that I didn’t understand, but after some meditation I came to a completely different conclusion. This wasn’t inspired by Dan Brown – this is straight Vince Gilligan. That upside down player model can be none other than Heisenberg. I mean, just look at this:

See? There can be no other explanation for it. I, for one, embrace our new chemist overlords, and can’t wait to see what other unorthodox directions Mojang takes Minecraft with update 1.9. I hope you will join me in my birthday suit upon the release of this illustrious expansion!