Phoenix, AZ — An up-and-coming militant organization, Horner G7S Mercenary Incorporated, or simply known as G7S, which has known ties to the U.S. military, says it is now aggressively hiring the general public for the specific purpose of killing those affiliated with the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant or better known as ISIS. The company is offering a mind-blowing starting pay of $600,000 dollars per year regardless of your history or previous background. The employee has only one job; to kill members of ISIS. Lots and lots of them.
G7S, owned and operated by 38-year-old Paul Horner of Phoenix, Arizona, spoke with NBC News today about the handling of the situation with ISIS.
“With ISIS cells popping up on every corner of America, it’s only a matter of time before someone you know gets blown up in a terrorist attack. But that will all change with what we are accomplishing over there fighting those bastards, I promise you that.”
Gwen Hawkins, who recently signed up with G7S back in July, told CNN that she is ready to die for her country.
“I would rather be a human bomb than live in fear every day. I’m serious, pop a bomb inside my stomach, point me in the proper direction towards getting captured, and then detonate me once inside. It would solve my problem of having a depressing and mundane life and would probably lead to an acceleration of earnings that I could only obtain via a life insurance policy, which I’m not eligible for given my medical history. That money would help my friends and family more than I ever could. Actually, I’ll have to talk to G7S‘s human resource department to see if they would consider paying me extra for something like this or at least ensure that my income is distributed appropriately.”
Jason McKay, who signed up for G7S last month told Fox News he will be injecting himself with the Ebola virus, purposely getting captured by ISIS and inflict as many casualties as possible.
“I will be injecting myself with the Ebola virus and then when apprehended by ISIS I can laugh when they get splattered in my toxic blood as they cut off my head.”
G7S operative Michael D. Adams told reporters he force feeds bacon to captured members of ISIS since the teachings of the Quran do not allow it.
“Threatening those scum with pork and bacon is a great way to gain important intelligence about their operations before we slaughter them.”
At a press conference in Phoenix, Horner was more than happy to explain the purpose of his organization.
“What we are doing is good versus evil, plain and simple,” Horner told reporters. “We will be cruel to ISIS, and through our cruelty they will know who we are… And the Islamic State will fear us.” Horner continued, “ISIS ain’t got no humanity. They’re the foot soldiers of an Islamic-extremist-hating mass murdering maniac. And they need to be destroyed. And that’s why each and every son of a b*tch associated with this Islamic State, they’re gonna die. We will be cruel to ISIS, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, disfigured bodies of their brothers that we leave behind us. ISIS won’t be able to help themselves but imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And they will be sickened by us. And they will talk about us. And they will fear us. When members of ISIS close their eyes at night and are tortured by their subconscious with the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with.”
On a lighter note, three months ago a Christian organization‘s mascot, Fappy The Anti-Mastubation Dolphin, made the journey with G7S to the Middle East. Fappy told reporters that when he is not fighting ISIS, he is traveling around the country speaking to elementary school children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.
“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t agree with what ISIS is doing, but my main concern, and what I’m willing to die for, is to stop self-rape in this world,” Fappy said. “Those people over there are living in the middle of nowhere. They can’t have sex. It’s extremely hot. The living conditions are horrible. All they do is fight and kill each other, and to top it off they have sand in their underwear all the time. It’s only a matter of time before one of them breaks down and starts masturbating, but not on my watch.”
It is unclear who Horner G7S Mercenary Incorporated is funded by, but reliable sources claim it is none other than Donald Trump. Analysts speculate all of this could be a political ploy for a presidential win in 2016.
Even though the group releases no data to the public or provides numbers of total ISIS members killed, Horner says it is in the tens of thousands with that number growing rapidly every day.
With more than 20,000 mercenaries that have joined since the company was incorporated in November of 2014, G7S is always looking for more recruits. To join, the group urges you to submit a resume along with why you want to kill members of ISIS by clicking here. The organization also has a direct number for those with any questions or comments at (785) 273-0325.