The New Delhi Rape Festival In India Begins This Week

Written by Jimmy Rustling

New Delhi, INDIA — Men all over India are already beginning to celebrate as the annual New Delhi Rape Festival is just days away. This controversial event has a first place cash prize of $1,000,000 USD guaranteed for the man with the most rapes. Every non-married girl age 6-15 will have the chance to flee to safety or get raped.

Tauseen Akkiraju who heads up the annual festival told reporters from The Hindu why the event is so important to the Indian culture and way of life.

“This is a long-standing tradition in New Delhi dating back thousands of years,” says Akkiraju. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to stone them to death. So it is extremely necessary for everyone. Plus the million dollars would be nice to have.”

The New Delhi Rape Festival began in 47 BC when Ramanan Tamil Maharajraped everyone in his village of ShahdaraRamanan Tamil Maharaj is remembered every year at the event, in fact the trophy given to the man with the most rapes is called The Ramanan.

24-year-old Kumar Bhandari told India Today that he has been training all year for this contest.

“I’m going to get the most rapes this year. I’ve been practicing raping my sister and her friends every day. I will be rape superstar number one! I will get The Ramanan trophy this year for sure!”

10-year-old Shreya Kapoortold reporters she almost made it through the festival last year without getting raped.

“I came so close to not getting raped. I almost made it to the rape-free-zone at the edge of town, but at the last minute 9 men jumped on me and raped me. Luckily I am just recovering now so I can participate in this year’s events, otherwise I would be put to death by stoning.”

36-year-old Paul Horner from Arizona who is visiting New Delhi on business told reporters he will be missing the festivities this year.

“A rape festival? Like, it’s legal and the men rape the innocent little girls to win money?” Horner said, “I’m getting the f*ck out of this backwards country tonight!”

It is unclear who is putting up the $1 million dollar bounty, but rumor has it that Saudi Prince Maskim Vadlimar is the one staking the immense prize.

India is second in reported rapes in the world only behind the United States. For more information on the festival or if you would like to participate next year, please call the 24-hour New Delhi Rape Festival hotline at (785) 273-0325.

VIDEO: New Delhi Rape Festival Begins This Week


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About the author

Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.