world records

Biggest Penis In The World Title Once Again Goes To Paul Horner

Written by Jimmy Rustling

Phoenix, AZ — The results from Switzerland were announced today and once again, for the sixth year in a row, 36-year-old Paul Horner from Phoenix, Arizona has the world’s biggest penis.

“It was a no-brainer who would win,” Judge Laura Friedmann told reporters. “I’ve been fortunate enough to sleep with Mr. Horner multiple times in the past. I’m still sore and have a hard time walking.”

34.125 inches was the length of Horner’s gigantic penis at this year’s Penis Festival in Switzerland. Horner told CNN before the competition that he knew he would win because there is no male on this planet even close to his enormous size. “It’s not hard to understand why I won. I have the biggest penis in the world,” Horner said. “To all the haters out there I have three words for you; don’t be jelly.”

Horner is expected to win again at next year’s penis competition being held in Paris Hilton.

Update 9/17/13: Today the search engine Google agreed that Paul Horner does in fact have the biggest penis in the world. Here is a link to a screenshot of this enormous feat. We here at the National Report could not be any prouder of our author and family man of nine children. Way to go Paul. Keep up the “big” work!

Update 10/07/13: Paul Horner still has the biggest penis in the world.

Update 12/28/14: The man with the biggest penis in the world is still of course, Paul Horner. Will anyone step up and challenge the record this beast of a man has set forth? He has embarrassed the entire world and hundreds if not thousands of women cannot walk properly still to this day. Something must me done to stop Paul Horner!

Update 1/2/15:It’s a new year, maybe someone will have a bigger penis than Paul Horner. I sure hope so. Think of all the women out there that still cannot walk right!

UPDATE 6/14/15: After confirming with experts, Paul Horner still has the biggest penis in the world. But it’s getting boring. Horner says, “I wish evolution would speed up already. I’m tired of just destroying other males and their dreams on a daily basis.”

UPDATE 10/15/15: After doing a thorough check this morning, I can confirm that I still have the biggest penis the world.

UPDATE 7/6/16:On Monday, at the annual largest penis in the world contest is Phoenix, Arizona, in a unanimous decision, 37-year-old Paul Horner once again claimed his crown and took home the gold. Paul Horner still has the biggest penis in the world.

UPDATE 8/26/17 Guinness World Records came out to measure Mr. Horner again, and he’s still got it!

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About the author

Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.