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Facebook To Charge Users $1.99/mo Beginning June 1st

Written by Jimmy Rustling

At a press conference today, Facebook rolled out their new monthly service plan. Beginning June 1st of this year, the social media giant will start charging members $1.99/mo to use the services that Facebook offers.

Menlo Park, CA — At a press conference today, Facebook rolled out their new monthly service plan. Beginning June 1st of this year, the social media giant will start charging members $1.99/mo to use services that users currently enjoy for free.

“We thought long and hard about this decision, but at the end of the day, we had no choice but to add this monthly fee,” Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “If we don’t do something about our rising costs now, Facebook could face an unrecoverable financial burden and become obsolete.”


“This is excellent news for Facebook stock holders,” says Wall Street analyst Tom Downey. “As of December 2014, Facebook had a total of 1.393 billion monthly active users. If just 75% of those members pay the new monthly service fee of $1.99, that will mean an annual influx of cash totaling roughly $21 billion. That’s not just an increase in profits of a few dollars, that’s a game changer right there.”

In an interview with CNN, Facebook spokesman Paul Horner explained the reason for the new monthly fee.

“Economic times are tight, the ads on Facebook are not as profitable as we had planned. Our costs are going up as hundreds of thousands of individuals continue to join the site every day,” Horner said. “There’s so many pictures of cats, and all of those costs add up, we just can’t foot the bill any longer.”

Ronnie Jenkins from DeQuincy, Louisiana told reporters that he is not happy with Facebook’s decision to implement a new monthly fee.

“I can barely pay for my girly subscriptions as it is, now this Zuckerberg character wants another $2 a month out of me? Well I don’t think so bud,” Jenkins said. “There’s free news out there that I get all my learning from, I don’t need Facebook, they need me. As for this monthly fee though, I might consider it, for the games. That Farmville game on there cracks me up. Hey, look at me, I’m planting some carrots in a field around my kick *ss barn. My friends just love it when I contact them about planting my crops. They’re like, ‘Dangit Ronnie, you and your gosh dang crops’, I’ll tell you what.”

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation group, says their business could not survive without Facebook.

“Charging people to use Facebook means there won’t be as many heathens on the site to help stay off the Devil’s playground. We need Facebook to stay free or more innocent children will die. I can only hope that one day masturbation will be illegal.”


Horner told reporters of an option for those who cannot afford the new monthly fee.

“Here at Facebook we value each and every one of our members. We do not want to see anyone delete their account just because they cannot afford the monthly fee,” Horner said. “For those who can’t manage the cost, we’ve made it real simple. In a new status update, copy and paste the words, ‘I LOVE FACEBOOK AND I AM POOR SO PLEASE WAIVE MY MONTHLY FEE’. Make sure you include the hashtag #ILoveFacebookAndIAmPoor. This will inform the Facebook billing department to waive any fees associated with your account. Unfortunately for free users, access to all Facebook games will no longer be available.” Horner continued, “There’s also a free option which will allow you access to your Facebook account for up to one hour a week, exceeding that will cost $0.49/minute. I think you can agree that it is extremely important to find the right Facebook plan for you!”

Shares of Facebook closed Friday at 82.88, up 2.10 (2.60%). To order your monthly subscription please call the 24-hour Facebook hotline at (785) 273-0325. Discounts are available to those who pay for an entire year at once.

VIDEO: Facebook To Begin Charging Users $1.99/mo

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About the author

Jimmy Rustling

Born at an early age, Jimmy Rustling has found solace and comfort knowing that his humble actions have made this multiverse a better place for every man, woman and child ever known to exist. Dr. Jimmy Rustling has won many awards for excellence in writing including fourteen Peabody awards and a handful of Pulitzer Prizes. When Jimmies are not being Rustled the kind Dr. enjoys being an amazing husband to his beautiful, soulmate; Anastasia, a Russian mail order bride of almost 2 months. Dr. Rustling also spends 12-15 hours each day teaching their adopted 8-year-old Syrian refugee daughter how to read and write.